Australian cinema-goers?
Ah, ‘stuff ‘em!’ They only buy tickets.

On October 22, with my new 6-day old babe in arms, I ventured out into the howling wind on a mission. I wanted to hear the facts. Listen to reason. Be swayed by the wise.

I went to Metro Screen’s sold out forum – Oz film V Oz Audiences. Finally – the dialogue had begun on an important topic in the film biz.

Why don’t the majority of Australian audiences watch Australian films? (One can be cruel and reply, ‘cause the films are bleak and populated with characters we couldn’t give two poos about. Or not.)

As we took our seats, the forum’s moderator, Andrew Urban set the tone immediately,

“…this is a watershed in the Australian Film Industry.”

Fabulous. Can’t wait, I thought. This should be good and we, the up and coming filmmakers with big stories to tell will finally get our say.

Rachel Ward sat down already looking pissed off. Margaret Pomeranz perched happily beside her followed by a few other industry notables including Tony Ginane from SPAA and Ruth Harley, Screen Australia’s head cheese. 

A few emails from absent industry members were read out first. Script consultant and ‘hero-worshipper’, Karel Segers emailed his thoughts on the hero in story. His eloquent message seemed to fall on deaf ears. Nobody on the panel even flinched. But I woo-hooed – on the inside.

And then the forum began. 

But, as the air conditioning grew chillier, I grew hotter – new, bubbling breastmilk and narrow-minded film people will do that to you.

The same old tired arguments were dusted off –

‘We don’t have Hollywood’s marketing budgets.’

‘We have to keep telling our uniquely Australian stories.’

‘Bleak isn’t a four-letter word.’

‘Even foreign films don’t make money in Australia.’

‘No, but they make tons of cash in their own countries.’ Came the voice in the commercial wilderness, Tony Ginane.

Tony was by far the most lucid and film business-minded panel member. He spent the rest of the evening in defence mode – constantly fending off the self-indulgent, repetitive crap from the others with rational arguments, and I paraphrase,

‘Why shouldn’t we encourage our writers to pen $130m screenplays – they’ll get the funding internationally. We need the big ideas.’

Then there was a rather incoherent ramble by the marketing representative on the panel – something about ‘brand’ and the Aussie film. Please. I didn’t understand a word of it. As an advertising chick with a few hundreds years’ worth of marketing campaigns to my name, I’m very suspicious of non-advertising folk who bandy about terms like ‘brand’ – a bit like a toddler wielding a chainsaw at ‘show and tell’. Don’t do it. You’ll hurt yourself.

Meanwhile, Troy Lum, MD from Hopscotch Films shed light on the alarming rate at which ‘small stories’ are funded – draft after draft. And again I paraphrase –

‘The writers could’ve saved everyone a lot of time and money by just writing a synopsis – at which point it would’ve become very clear, their story wouldn’t fly on the big screen.’

Oh. My. God. Draft after draft. Those words send daggers through my writer’s heart. Funding and more funding. Cash that’s doled out and wasted. Again. And again. What the hell is going on?! Who is reading this stuff? Who is making judgements that yet another draft will make a small story, big and bold and cinema-ready?

As the forum wore on, one thing became abundantly clear. These industry heavyweights with the voices that are heard (sadly) have completely lost sight of ‘story’ when it comes to the movies. And more alarmingly – the word ‘art’ was still flung about as if we’re all angst-ridden film artistes in corduroy caps and shapeless colourless clothes camped out on the steps of the Dendy. 

There was a microphone set up beside me and were it not for my busy nipples, (not a gratuituous sexual reference, newborn in arms, remember?) I would’ve leapt up to that mike and yelled,

‘We are making movies – not splitting atoms, why are you all taking yourselves so seriously?!’

Once again, the untested, talented would-be filmmakers who CAN write the BIG STORIES, who are ready to MAKE MOVIES THAT SELL – these filmmakers were ignored by the panellists. The future of film in this country was pushed aside in favour of political jostling by funding bodies and empty rhetoric by high profile film types who (horrifyingly) don’t seem to know any better.

Are these people going to inspire the small filmmakers with the big dream? Really? Truly? Are they the innovative, wise, dynamic, business-savvy filmmakers who will help us revolutionise the industry and sustain us all consistently?

But I think the person responsible for boiling my bile the most that night was Ms Pomeranz, who, after waxing lyrical about the final ‘moving scene’ in Beautiful Kate said,

‘If Australian cinema-goers just aren’t prepared to work hard enough with the great Aussie films coming out now, then, stuff ‘em!’

Um, stuff ‘em? Wow. If it wasn’t for the audience, you wouldn’t have a job, Ms P. Kiss that flight to the Venice Film Festival, arriverderci.

But here’s the sad reality of the Oz film biz right now… Ms Pomeranz and film types of her ilk have the loudest voices in the industry. The wrong people, with the wrong, small, elitist attitudes are in the positions of power. This old guard has to die – quickly. Or Tony Ginane’s prediction will come true – we’ll be having the same conversation in five years time.

I should’ve stayed home and followed the proceedings on Twitter. It would’ve been more enlightening – and infinitely less frustrating. Oh and my nipples would’ve been a lot, lot warmer. 

Oh well. When I realised nothing of real note or inspiration was uttered during the course of the evening – as valiant as Metro Screen’s efforts were – I was reminded of my Jim Henson hero, one Kermit the Frog who described his movie ambitions beautifully in the Muppet Movie,

‘I want to make millions of people happy.’

When a piece of animated green felt can summarise in one sentence what a panel of so-called industry hot shots can’t in two hours, you know there’s a problem.

Well. I have two words. Stuff ‘em.

If you have a sizzling movie idea. Write it down. Write it well and you will make a million people happy – as well as a million dollars.

© Phyllis Foundis 2010